Breaking Free
by ButterfliesForHer
Summary: Sometimes you need to set your fears aside. CathSara [Slash] Don't like it, then do the sensible thing and don't read it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them, if I did, I wouldn't be sat at home alone on the computer  
**POV: **Sara's  
**Rating: **M (For later chapters)  
**Pairing: **C/S  
**Spoilers: **Small ones for Built to Kill Pts 1 & 2, but nothing too specific

**A/N: **This is my take on what should have happened after Built to Kill. Although I've changed a few things to fit the story; I'm not going to point them out as they're tiny things anyway. I hope someone likes this, and as always, feedback is welcome.

* * *

**Prologue**

She called on me, she needed me. Yet I'm just sat here, not doing anything to help her. Sure, I did as she asked. I processed the room, I didn't tell anyone. Not that that made any difference at all, as everyone found out in the end. But Catherine needed me and now I'm lying in bed doing nothing while she suffers alone. It's a week since Sam was shot, a week since I last saw Catherine and instead of reaching out to her, I allow my own stupid fears to cripple me.

I know things haven't exactly been easy between us. At its best our relationship has always been strained. Yet, I can't help but care about her. I don't know why I do, she's always gone out of her way to be nasty to me, but there's just something about her that draws me to her. It's not her beauty – of course that helps, but it's her determination, her strength, her passion. Plus she's probably the one person that can really get under my skin. All in all, she's my idea of a perfect woman. But there's no way I'd ever tell her how I truly feel. Not because she's a woman, I've been with a fair few over the years, it's because it's her. I'm such a masochist, falling for a woman who hates me. I'm finally in a relationship with a man I thought I wanted for six years, but all I can think about is Catherine. I've ignored Grissom's calls, only talked to him when we've had a case at work because I'm so consumed with Catherine. I know I'll have to talk to him eventually, but right now I suffer in silence.

I wish I could say that when I wake up later today, I'll go to see Catherine. I'll go to see if she's ok, take her out for breakfast, maybe even tell her how I feel. Not because I expect my feelings to be reciprocated, but because then I won't regret not telling her for the rest of my life. I wish I could say that I'll call Grissom and tell him that I'm sorry but I got it all wrong, that he's not the one I truly want. But I know that when I wake, I'll go about my usual business, get ready for work, I'll work my shift pretending I don't notice Catherine's absence and blowing off Grissom, I'll go home and shower to try and wash away all the awful things I see during my shift and then I'll lie here again contemplating the sham that is my life. I know I need to do something, change something, pull myself out of the rut I've been stuck in my entire life, but I can't. Like always, I'm too afraid.

* * *

**Chapter One**

When I walked in tonight, to say I was shocked to see Catherine was an understatement. I think my jaw is bruised from where it hit the floor. I was even more shocked to find out she had taken over Grissom's role of supervisor as he was away at a conference. I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't tell me he was going somewhere, I've hardly been the most receptive of girlfriends recently, but still, I'm a bit disappointed he didn't let me know. But what disappoints me more is that he thinks Catherine is remotely strong enough to be back at work so soon, let alone be left in charge for three days. She's just been through hell and back and he thinks she's ok to be working? Jesus, that man really does have the emotional capacity of an ant. God knows what I'm doing with him. But then again, am I much better? Instead of reaching out to Catherine when she needed someone, I sat back and did nothing, so I guess I'm not much better.

At least I got to go solo tonight. Catherine assigned Warrick and Greg to a hit and run, Nick to a B & E, and me to a suspicious circs. She had paperwork to catch up on apparently. Secretly, I'm glad she wasn't out in the field; at least I know she wasn't overdoing it. But my suspicious circs turned out to be completely unsuspicious so I'm stuck in the break room doing paperwork. Knowing Catherine is just down the hallway is rather distracting though and part of me wants to go talk to her and find out if she's ok, but I can't. A bigger part of me is too scared, just like always, so I sit here alone with my thoughts.

Then I'm pulled from my thoughts by a gentle hand on my shoulder. I don't need to turn around to know who it is – her aura precedes her. I turn and blue eyes meet mine.

"Catherine?"

"I didn't know you were back, I came in to get more coffee. Why don't you bring that to my office and work in there? I could use the company."

With that, she grabs the cup, and walks out the room, not giving me the chance to answer. I must have really been daydreaming, she'd made us both coffee and I hadn't even noticed. I take a sip – black, three sugars, just how I like it. How does she know how I take my coffee? I know how she takes hers, but only because I watch her. A lucky guess? I grab the files and my coffee and head to her office. The door is closed so I knock, even though she invited me.

"Come in."

I open the door and I'm greeted by her smile, and I can't help but smile back. She's beautiful anyway, but when she smiles it's like the whole room lights up. I sit opposite her and open one of the files, not really knowing what to say. I can feel her gaze on me so I look up and meet her eyes. She doesn't say anything, just continues looking at me, so I guess she's waiting for me to speak.

"What's on your mind Catherine?"

"You."

"Me?"

She looks away, and I swear she's blushing, and when her eyes meet mine again, I know I was right. I don't comment on it though, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I stay silent, giving her more time to speak. After what feels like an eternity, she clears her throat.

"Yes, you. I realised I never really thanked you for what you did."

"What do you mean?"

"That…that day when you processed the room for me…I never really thanked you for it."

"Catherine, there's no need to thank me. Anyone would have done the same."

"No, you did it, no questions asked, no fuss. You just…did it. And I needed that. So, thank you."

She looks away again and silence reigns. I don't know what to say, yet there's so much I need to ask her. For the first time in years, I ignore my fears and decide to really make an effort with her.

"Cath…how are you dealing with everything?"

She doesn't say anything, and for a moment I think she's ignoring me, but then her shoulders begin to shake and she lets out a quiet sob. Before I know what I'm doing I've crossed the room and wrapped my arms round her, holding onto her tightly while she sobs. She reaches out, holding me even tighter, every sob adding another crack to my already broken heart. When her sobs lessen, my automatic reaction is to pull away, but when I try to she holds me tighter, burying her head in my neck. Eventually, she leans back but doesn't let me go, and meets my eyes again.

"You know, you're the first person to ask me that."

"Ask you what?"

Ok, I know, not very eloquent, but being so close to Catherine isn't making coherent thought very easy.

"You're the first person to ask me how I'm dealing with things. I guess I haven't given anyone any reason to think I'm not ok, but acting like I'm ok doesn't mean that I am. I think I was just trying to be strong for Lindsay's sake. She's been through so much and I needed to be strong for her so she could get through this. But, I've spent all my time trying to comfort her, and not focussed on myself, and now I don't know how to cope. How am I supposed to go out in the field when I'm afraid every time I leave the house? How am I supposed to pretend everything's alright when I don't even want to get out of bed? How am I supposed to convince my little girl she's safe when I don't feel safe myself? Just how…"

She breaks down in tears again and I just hold her as she lets it all out. I feel choked up too, but no tears come to me. I rarely cry, it makes me feel weak, and right now I need to be strong for Catherine. I hate seeing her like this. I hate seeing her so broken. I want the confident, strong Catherine back. I'm the one who's afraid of everything, not her. Catherine faces things head on, she doesn't hide from them. When she finally stops crying, I keep holding her tightly until she pulls back again. She gives me a weak smile.

"God, I didn't think you had it in you to be this caring Sidle."

"Well, you learn something new every day."

Her smile is faint, but at least it's there. At this moment, I know I'm going to do everything in my power to make her smile again. Fuck it, I'm putting myself on the line here, but if I manage to make Catherine smile, I don't care.

"Cath? I know you need to try and keep things in Lindsey's life as stable as possible right now, but why don't you and her come and stay with me for a while? I know it might not be convenient, but you might feel a little safer and I think the company would be good for me too."

Her smile lights up the room.

"I'd love to."

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning:** This chapter contains spoilers for Nesting Dolls, and contains strong references to violence and abuse. It is a little dark now, but the next chapter will be lighter.

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**Chapter Two**

After that talk in the office, I made her agree to one condition – when Grissom got back, she took at least another two weeks of leave. To be honest, she didn't need much convincing. Now she knew she didn't have to sit in that big empty house alone, she felt a lot safer. It's been a week since I made my offer, and Catherine and Lindsay have been staying with me for four days.

Once I'd had time to think about my offer, I panicked. I don't like anyone coming into my personal space, let alone _living_ in it, and I'd just invited the woman I'm _obsessed _with into it. Plus, I didn't think about the sleeping arrangements.

When Catherine and Lindsay arrived, I immediately took Lindsay's stuff into the guest room. As she's a teenager, I knew she'd need her own space. What I didn't think about until that particular moment was that I'd be sharing a room, a _bed_, with Catherine. Not that she seemed to mind. She just moved her things into my room, sat on the edge of the bed, gave me a smile that warmed my heart and said

"I always sleep on the left side."

Now, I'm sneaking in from work, trying not to wake Catherine up. She's apparently always been a light sleeper, but it's worse since Lindsay's abduction. I manage to get changed and slip into bed without Catherine even stirring, pretty impressive if I say so myself. Sharing a bed with her is both a blessing and a curse. One of the good things is that I know she's safe, and another is that she looks so beautiful when she sleeps. One of the bad things is that sharing a bed with the object of your affections on a regular basis and not being able to touch them does very bad things to your sex drive, hence mine is currently that of an adolescent boys – sky high. But tonight I'm just glad she's here.

We had an abuse case: a three year old girl, murdered by her father. He'd beaten her pretty much every day of her life, then got drunk and threw her against a wall one too many times. Abuse cases have always affected me, partly because I'm _human_, but primarily because of my own experiences, my own past, and tonight all I wanted to do was run home, curl up in my bed and cry. I try to hold back the tears now, but they consume me, the lump in my throat too big to choke back. I sob into my pillow, still trying not to disturb Catherine, she's going through enough at the moment, and I don't want to impose my demons on her. I try to control my sobs, curb the flow of tears but I can't. From no where, there's warmth surrounding me, a gentle hand stroking my hair.

"Its ok honey, just let it all out, you don't have to be strong all the time."

Catherine is awake, which only makes me cry harder. It's so difficult being close to her, yet feeling so far away. She wraps her arms around me, murmuring nonsense in my ear, rocking me till my sobs eventually subside. I have no idea what to say to her, so I just lie here in her arms a while, revelling in the feel of her arms around me. She doesn't pull away either, so eventually I turn in her arms to face her.

I'm still not sure what to say to her, but when I look into her eyes and see a comforting smile gracing her lips, I'm much more at ease.

"Thank you," I whisper

"For what?"

"Being here."

"Sara, I'm staying in _your _apartment, I'm sleeping in your bed for gods sake. _I_ should be the one thanking _you_. And I know what you're thanking me for, and there's no need for it. You were and still are there for me, so it's only right that I should return the favour. Plus, I care about you, I really do, and hearing you cry like that…"

She breaks off, and I think I see tears in her eyes, so I do the only thing I can think of, the one thing that me and her seem to have become good at. I pull her closer to me until her head is tucked under my chin, our arms wrapped tightly around each other.

The next thing I know, there's light flooding into the room, I'm awake, and I'm alone. Obviously, I'm used to waking up alone – she's worked herself into a regular sleeping pattern so she's awake during the day, whereas I sleep way into the afternoon. But still, I miss her arms around me, even though it's something I know I won't be getting used to – we both just needed comfort.

I get up and take a cold shower, washing the remnants of the last shift away from me.

Once I'm dressed, I wander into the living room, to find Catherine has made breakfast for me. I blush as she smiles her radiant smile and pours me some coffee.

"You didn't have to do this, you know."

"I know, but I wanted to."

"Still, you shouldn't have."

"Stop being so stubborn and enjoy it Sidle. You neglect yourself, and you need someone to fuss over you."

"But you're _my _guest; I should be fussing over you."

"But while I get to rest, you're out catching the bad guys. So, no more protesting. You put people behind bars, I make you breakfast. Deal?"

"Deal."

There's no point in arguing with Catherine – she always gets her own way.

After I've eaten, we sit down on the couch. Catherine has half an hour before she has to get Lindsay from school, and she suggested we pass the time by talking.

"So, what do you want to talk about?"

Catherine takes a deep breath, then reaches out and takes my hand.

"What happened last night?"

I'm so not ready to have this conversation with her, it was bad enough with Grissom. But when it comes to Catherine these days, I seem to be taking a lot of risks, and for some reason, I want to open up about it to her. With Grissom, I didn't have a choice – either I told him what was wrong, or I got fired. At least that was the way it felt. But, then again, I'm not sure how much she wants to know. I'll just see where this goes. She's still looking at me, questioning me with her eyes, so I explain.

"Last night, Grissom and I worked a case involving an alcoholic father, a worn down mother, and a murdered three year old. It was a slam dunk case, which we had closed by the end of the night, but justice prevailing didn't provide me with any comfort. The little girl, Sarah her name was, had been beaten, starved and neglected almost from the minute she was born. Her father gave the beatings, her mother watched it happen and did nothing. The father's facing the needle, the mother's getting life."

"And what was it specifically about the case that got to you Sara?"

I can't tell her now. There isn't enough time. She has to get Lindsay, and I have work in a few hours. I'll tell her when we have more time. Now isn't the right moment.

"Catherine, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can get into that now. This just isn't the time. We both have things to do."

She looks at me for a long moment, the intensity of her gaze so strong that I have to look away. Then she reaches for her cell phone and dials a number.

"Nance, it's Cath. Sorry, I know it's kind of late, but do you think you could get Linds from school for me? And have her for me tonight? It's just that Sara's sick and I don't want Lindsay catching it too…Thank you so much, you're an angel…Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow then…Love you too, bye."

"Catherine-"

She holds up a hand to silence me, and then dials another number.

"Gil? It's Catherine…Yes, I'm fine, I'm doing a lot better thanks…Yes, Lindsay too. Anyway, it's Sara I'm calling about. I'm afraid she's sick…you want to talk to her?"

I shake my head and mouth no at her. I don't want to talk to Grissom anyway, I'm still avoiding him, plus I'm not even sick.

"No, sorry Gil, she's asleep and I can't wake her…yes, I'm sure she'll be fine for work tomorrow…ok, you too. Bye."

She puts the phone down, and her eyes meet mine. A ghost of a smile crosses her face.

"Looks like our schedules just opened up."

I begin to laugh at the ridiculousness of what she just did. She sacrificed a whole night with her daughter to listen to _me_? Clearly the woman has lost her mind. Unfortunately, she's still giving me that intent look, telling me that I'm not getting away with it that easily and that I'm just putting off the inevitable. I take a deep breath, willing myself to be strong

"I'm assuming when you asked what it was about the case that got to me, you meant all abuse cases, and not just that one."

She nods.

"What gets to me about abuse cases…I suppose a better question is what _doesn't _get to me. But I'm guessing you want to know why I take them so personally, why I get so involved, why I jump off the deep end. I'd tell you right from the start, only I don't remember there ever being a start. Screaming rows, broken bones and trips to the hospital were all I knew. They were just a way of life. In fact, I thought that was how life was supposed to be. One night that all changed. It started out no different from the others – my father got drunk, started yelling at my mother then started yelling at me. I ran upstairs, my father hit my mother a few times, then came upstairs and started on me. I just cowered in the corner, I knew the more I fought back, the worse the beating would be. Then my mother came out of nowhere. I saw the gleam of the knife before I saw her. I was thirteen years old and I watched my mother kill my father."

Now I've started, I can't stop, and I can't look at Catherine.

"One thing I remember was the smell. You know how blood smells, heavy, thick, metallic. It was everywhere, all over the walls, all over the bed, all over my mother all over me. It was so bad one of the cops was in the corner, puking his guts up. Then a woman came and got me, and it's odd, I can't even remember her name, despite the fact I couldn't let go of her hand. So there you have it, why I am the why I am. Why, in your words, 'every time I work an abuse case I go off the deep end'."

I break down and begin to cry. I hate crying, especially in front of people, but yet again I can't control it, let alone stop.

I don't know what I expected her to do. Recoil in disgust maybe, or leave, yet again she wrapped her arms round me, held me, rocked me, all the while whispering comforting words and pressing light kisses against my face and hair. I don't know how long we were sat here for, but when I eventually look up, her cheeks are streaked with tears. Not only has this woman comforted me, she's cried for me, something no one has ever done for me. Before I can think about what I'm doing, I reach out and wipe the tears from her cheek. To my surprise, her eyes flutter closed and she leans into my touch so I keep my hand there, gently caressing her cheek. Eventually she opens her eyes, and all the emotion I see in them terrifies and exhilarates me, but I know now is not the time to explore those emotions. Instead, I wrap my arms around her again and just sit here, tears running down my face, not sure whether I feel pain or relief. After a while, I give up on trying to figure out how I feel, and just revel in the fact that she's here for me.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews :) Oh, and it's a little short, but I don't think you'll be disappointed…

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**Chapter Three**

"Grissom? What are you doing here?"

"Catherine said you were sick, I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"You didn't need to. Catherine's taken good care of me."

"You don't look sick."

"I've slept. I'm feeling a little better."

"According to Catherine, you couldn't even get up to answer the phone."

"Grissom? Why are you really here?"

"I want an explanation."

"About what?"

"About why you've been avoiding me."

I step aside and he walks into the apartment. I hope to Catherine isn't awake. She doesn't know Grissom and I are dating, and I'm not ready for her to find out. I'm not sure why. Maybe because after last night, I'm almost certain she has feelings for me, and I'm scared she won't be interested. Fuck, I'm so confused…

"You want coffee?"

He shakes his head. Damn, I guess avoidance will no longer work. I take a seat next to him, but he doesn't say anything. Why is it everyone always wants _me _to start? I'm not renowned for my people skills or anything. Then again, I am attempting to have a conversation with Grissom, so maybe…SHUT UP BRAIN!

"So, what do you want to know Grissom?"

"I want to know why you can't even look me in the face."

"I…I…"

Now is the time I face my fears head on.

"I can't see you anymore."

His face falls. God, I feel terrible. What the hell am I doing? I'm with the guy that I've chased for years, the guy I _moved to Vegas for_, so why am I breaking up with him? It's not like I have a chance with Catherine, so why not stick with him?

"Why? We wasted all those years Sara, why end it before it's even really had a chance to begin?"

I don't know why. I don't know much anymore. I don't know why I stopped loving him, I don't know why I started loving Catherine, and I certainly don't know what to do now. But, over the past few days, I've faced my fears head on. It's only been baby steps, but I have. Why stop now? Plus, for all his faults, Grissom deserves some semblance of the truth.

"Because this, _us_, won't work. Not because you've done anything wrong, but because I…I guess my feelings for you aren't as strong as they once were."

"Is there someone else?"

Is there? Can I count Catherine as someone else?

"I don't know."

"You don't know if there's someone else?"

"No."

He stands, and is about to leave, when he asks.

"Where's Catherine?"

"Sleeping."

"Where?"

"Why?"

His expression changes from hurt, to shocked, to understanding.

"Is it Catherine?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Why is she sleeping in your bed?"

"Because Lindsay needs the space."

"Sara…I…"

"Gil..."

I reach out and take his hand.

"There's no one else, I'm just not ready."

Another lie. I'm such a coward. Yet he seems to take this well. I squeeze his hand, then he walks away. Have I just lost the best thing that's happened to me in years? I close my eyes for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts.

It's about 3am, he must have left work during shift. Must be a slow night. I assume he'll go back and throw himself into some kind of work so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings. Do I really want to be with someone like that? No. I've tried not dealing with things, and it doesn't work. If you don't deal with feelings, they build up, and eventually you explode. Burn out. Break. I need to be with someone who helps me deal with things. Someone who needs me to help them deal with things. Someone like Catherine.

"Sara?"

God, is the woman psychic? She's standing in my bedroom doorway looking sleepy and completely adorable.

"What's wrong Cath?"

"Are you coming back to bed?"

"Yeah."

I get up and walk past her into the bedroom, when she grabs my arm and pulls me into a hug.

"Did you have another nightmare?"

I don't want to lie to her, but that would mean explaining the _whole_ situation with Gil. I'm far too tired, physically and emotionally, to get into that now.

"Yeah, I did."

"You should've woken me up."

I pull away from her a bit and smile at her.

"You look way too cute when you're sleeping."

She blushes, but recovers quickly.

"So you watch me sleep then Sara?"

Ooh, touché Catherine. What do I say now?

"Switch the light off before you get into the bed will you."

Pathetic. Completely pathetic. I really need to come up with some better comebacks. She smirks, knowing she's won. I get into bed and lie on my side so I'm not facing her. She turns the light off and jumps into bed beside me. Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed as she presses herself into my back until I can feel her breath against my ear.

"Just so you know, I think you look cute when you're sleeping too."

Then she wraps one arm round my waist and snuggles into me. Her breathing soon evens out and she's asleep. How I'm supposed to sleep with her so close to me I don't know.

* * *

Ouch, sunlight is really bad for your eyes. Well, at least I managed to get a good nights sleep. Catherine is still sleeping peacefully. I turn in her arms, so I can see her face. She looks so beautiful and I can't help but press a kiss to her forehead. My lips linger there for a moment longer than necessary, but when I try to lean back, her arms tighten around me.

"Wake me up like that in future will you?"

She's so adorable when she's sleepy. I want her so badly. My eyes fill with tears, and I swallow, trying to hold them back. I've cried _so _much over the past few days, I'm sick of it.

"Sara? You ok?"

"Uhuh."

She shifts so she can look me in the eye.

"No you're not. Were you having nightmares again?"

I nod and close my eyes. It's just easier than explaining. Then I open my eyes and almost jump out of my skin – her face is less than half an inch away from mine.

"Cath-"

"Ssssh."

Her eyes bore into me, so I close my eyes again. I feel naked when she looks at me like that. I can feel her breath against my lips, and I'm near to passing out. Then her lips meet mine and I'm lost.

* * *

**TBC **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **I'm really sorry it's taken so long to update. Between my boyfriend and my family, I really haven't had the time to write. This chapter is shorter than the others, as it's more conversational, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

The kiss is short, and suddenly she pulls away, a terrified look in her eyes.

"Sara, I don't know what I was thinking, I-"

I cut her off by returning the kiss. I keep it short, as I know that if I don't, I won't be able to control myself.

"Catherine, if you were going to apologise, there's no need."

She leans in to kiss me again, and as much as I want her to, I resist. She leans away, a confused look in her eyes.

"I thought this is what you wanted."

I take her hands in mine.

"It is Catherine, I want it more than anything, but for your sake and mine, we need to take this slow. Painfully slow. You've just experienced a great deal of trauma, you're vulnerable, and I don't want to take advantage of that. I care about you, maybe more than I've cared about any one, and that's why I want to take my time, to show you that you mean the world to me."

Her eyes sparkle with tears.

"You mean a lot to me too Sara, you have for a very long time. But, I know you'd never take advantage of me, and that's why one kiss couldn't hurt…"

Then her lips are on mine again, demanding but soft, setting off shivers down my spine, I can't help but moan, and suddenly she pulls me on top of her, her hands roaming my back. I brush my tongue against her bottom lip, and she opens her mouth to me eagerly, moaning as I begin a slow exploration of her mouth. When she pushes her tongue until my mouth, I moan in delight, and we begin a battle for dominance. Eventually, I pull away, gasping for breath. I look down at her, and realise my mistake. She's never looked more beautiful, blue eyes darkened, blonde curls mussed, lips red and kiss swollen. I climb out of bed quickly, not knowing where to look.

"Why'd you get up?"

I meet her eyes, and she's pouting, still looking as gorgeous as ever.

"Because if I didn't then, I never would, and I already explained to you why I can't take things further now."

Her smile is radiant as she gets up and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Well thank you for respecting me and not taking advantage."

She walks away to go to the bathroom, but just before she leaves the room, she turns and faces me, a sexy smirk gracing her lips.

"But, if you ever feel the need to take advantage, know that you're more than welcome and I most definitely won't complain."

Then she's gone, leaving me with my jaw hanging open. That's an offer I can't possibly refuse, even if I try.

* * *

After I've showered and dressed, I'm at a loss at what to do. Does she want to stay in, does she want to go out? Where do we go from here? I go into my living room and she's sprawled on the couch, drinking a cup of coffee, just as beautiful as always. She smiles at me and there's a light in her eyes that hasn't been there for quite a while and my heart leaps as I realiseI did that, I made Catherine Willows, my hearts desire, truly happy. She stands up and pulls me towards the door, not even giving me a chance to ask what we're doing.

"I was thinking that, as we're doing this properly, I should take you on a date, and as we have the whole day, what better time than now?"

"You're right as always Catherine, but what if _I_ want to take _you_ on a date?"

She smiles mischievously.

"You can do much more than that Sara."

For the second time today, my jaw hits the floor.

* * *

"But for now Miss Sidle, I'm taking you out for breakfast."

We have an amazing day, just relaxing, talking and getting to know each other. Over the past week or so, we've spent a lot of time together but nowhere near as intimate as this. It's all very innocent, we don't even kiss, but every brush of her hand against, every radiant smile directed at me sets my pulse racing. It's amazing, we've never been close, but I feel like I've known her for ever. We're now riding the elevator up to my apartment in comfortable silence, her hand in mine and her head on my shoulder. We reach my hallway and at the same time notice a bunch of red roses outside my apartment door.

She turns to me, her eyes twinkling, a wide smile on her face.

"Red roses? Have you got a secret lover Sara?"

Oh god. _Grissom_.

"Catherine-"

But it's too late, she's already picked up the flowers and reading the card. Her face drops then she slowly looks up to meet my eyes and silently hands me the card. Wordlessly, I accept it.

_- Sara,_

_I'll do anything to fix this. Anything.  
_

_- Gil _

I meet her eyes and I swear they're filled with tears, but she looks away and when she looks back, they're flashing with anger.

"So are you going to just stand there, or are you going to explain to me what's going on?"

* * *

**TBC**

I know that's an evil place to leave it, but if you review lots, I'll have the next one up as soon as I can ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Thank you so much for your wonderful words!! I'm a bit overwhelmed! As you've all been so great, I decided you shouldn't have to wait too long for the next chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Five**

"_So are you just going to stand there, or are you going to explain to me what's going on?" _

A million and one things race through my mind, but the only thing I say is

"Come in, and I'll explain."

"What's wrong with just here?"

"Catherine, please…"

She relents and follows me inside. We sit down on the couch and her eyes bore into me. God, why does she have to look so hot when she's angry? Why do I notice these things at such inappropriate times-

"Well?"

Oops, the only thing worse than pissing off Catherine Willows is pissing her off, _then_ keeping her waiting.

"I don't know where to start."

"Well why not start by telling me what the hell you're playing at. I'm not going to be your rebound girl Sara, I won't be used like that. You were saying you didn't want to take advantage of me, well if this isn't taking advantage, then what is? The reason I never acted on my feelings for you is because I always knew, hell,_ everyone knew, _you had feelings for Gil. But when you kissed me, I thought things had changed. Clearly, I was wrong. Did he cheat on you Sara? Is this your way of getting even with him?"

I begin to laugh. I know I shouldn't as it's probably going to make things worse, but I can't help it. The idea of Gil cheating on _anyone_ is completely ludicrous. She's his best friend – she should know him better than that.

"Do you think this is funny? I want an explanation, not you sitting there laughing at god knows what."

"Catherine, think about it. Can you imagine Grissom cheating on anyone? Can you even imagine him in a relationship?"

She's silent for a moment.

"Well, I guess not, but the flowers…"

"I'm not going to lie to you Catherine. Me and Gil _were _in a relationship. I did end it with him, not because he cheated, but because I want to be with someone else – you."

"But why wait until now to tell me? You've had all day. Why not tell me when we were discussing everything this morning?"

"Honestly? I was so caught up in the idea of us, I completely forgot about Gil. That should tell you how strong my feelings for you are Catherine. Yes, at one point I wanted Gil. But I want you more. Gil is nothing compared to you."

"When did you end it?"

"Last night."

"But I was here last night."

"He turned up here at 3am. When you came in here last night when you thought I'd had a nightmare, Gil had actually just left."

"Why didn't you tell me then?"

"Because I was completely drained. Physically and emotionally. I just couldn't face more explanations."

"What made you end it with Gil? You didn't know then that I had feelings for you."

"If I stayed with Gil, I'd be leading him on. I don't love him, I don't think I ever did."

"Do…do you love me?"

"Catherine, I…"

Her face softens.

"Don't answer that Sara, I shouldn't have asked. Thank you for explaining, but I just need a little time to process all of this. Plus I have to go and get Lindsay soon. We'll talk later."

We don't of course. When Lindsay got back, we ended up taking her out for ice cream and a movie as she'd missed us both. I'd missed her too, she's a great kid. Catherine and I are just as relaxed around each other as always, and she doesn't seem mad anymore, but I don't want to push her.

But, just as I'm leaving work, she grabs my hand.

"If Grissom offers

But, just as I'm leaving work, she grabs my hand and pulls me into a hug.

"If Grissom offers you any more flowers, throw them back in his face, ok?" she murmurs into my neck.

"Ok."

"Take care, and don't work late. I miss you when you're not here. Now go."

She gives me a gentle push and I have a stupid grin on my face all the way to work.

* * *

My euphoria doesn't last long. As soon as I get into work, the whole shift is pulled out on a triple murder. A mother, her baby son and her infant daughter. The father is missing, and Brass has an APB out on his car, but until we find him, we've got absolutely no leads and it's utterly frustrating. I desperately want to find justice for these little children and their mother, who fought so desperately to save them, but although the father is missing, we have no proof he had anything to do with the murders. For all we know, he's been murdered himself. Grissom isn't helping either. He hasn't actually said anything, but he keeps looking at me with sad eyes and it really isn't helping. In fact, its annoying. There's nothing else for me to do, so now I'm back at the lab with an hour left of shift, bored out of my skull without even paperwork to keep me going.

"Sara?"

Grissom. Please, please, please go away.

"Sara?"

"Grissom?"

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Paperwork?"

"All up to date."

"As is mine. Would you like to leave a bit early and get something to eat."

"No." I know I'm being rude, but for gods sake, I've told him we're finished. How can someone be so intelligent, yet so completely clueless?

"Can we please talk about this?"

"Gil, we have talked about it. It's over."

"Well I'm not giving up Sara, I'm going to do everything I can to get you back."

He checks his watch.

"You haven't got long left, so why don't you go home and get some sleep?"

Finally he gets something right.

"Yeah, I think I will. Thanks Grissom."

Then I walk away and don't look back.

When I get in, I can't help but look in at Lindsay sleeping. She looks so sweet and innocent when she's asleep. I don't know how someone could hurt a child. I love my job in the sense that I get to put the bad guys away, but I hate it because I come face to face with monsters on a day to day basis. They may not look like the monsters in storybooks, but they're just as evil. I slip into my bedroom, trying not to wake Catherine up. I'm half naked when I swear I can feel someone watching me, so I turn round and she's sat up in bed, a slight smile on her face.

"You don't have to put that pyjama top on you know."

"I do. I'll get cold."

God, I'm so lame.

"I'll keep you warm."

Well, the temperature in here just shot up about ten degrees.

"If you keep this up, I'll go and sleep on the couch," I tease.

"And I'll drag you back in here kicking and screaming."

I pull the pyjama top over my head and she pouts.

"No fair."

"Cath, I already explained to you why…"

"I know. You're just…"

She mumbles something that I can't here.

"I didn't catch that."

"I said you're just so hot."

My face turns bright red. I've never taken compliments well, and hearing that from Catherine Willows…god, has the woman not looked in the mirror lately. I think a change of subject would be the right course of action.

"Cath, are...are you still mad at me?"

She's silent for a moment then leans over and kisses me gently.

"No. I was, but I knew you were telling the truth when you said you weren't deliberately deceiving me, and after I had time to think it all through, I was and I am fine about it."

"Really?"

She doesn't say anything, just leans over and kisses me again. She teases me with light touches of her tongue against my lips, and in the end, I have to pull away before I explode.

"How am I supposed to sleep now?" I complain.

"I was about to ask you the same question."

I kiss her forehead.

"You're a tease."

"That pyjama top you're wearing is a tease. It shows just enough skin to make me want to jump you, but not enough to satisfy me, so I'm quite tempted to rip it off..."

"Catherine…"

"Night Sara."

She snuggles her head into my neck and her breathing soon evens out. God I love this woman.

**TBC**

* * *

See, no cliffhanger, and I made everything better. If you review lots again, I'll have the next chapter up as soon as. 


	6. Chapter 6

** A/N:** I'm so sorry. It's been such a long time since I last wrote something, so bear with me if this chapter is a little off. This story is about to get really angsty, which I also apologise for, but I'm going through a really bad break up at the moment, and I don't think I could write fluff. Oh, and there'd be no story if I got them together straight away, would there? Well I've rambled for long enough now so….

* * *

**Chapter Six**

"Sara?"

"Mmm…"

"Sara. Wake up."

I look up and Catherine is fully dressed, standing over me. I grab her arm and try and pull her back into bed.

"Come hug me. Please? Just five more minutes…"

"Sara. Gil's here."

I sit up straight away. What does he want? Oh god…has Catherine told him about us? I was planning on telling him, but I just needed a little more time for _me_ to get used to the idea of us. But Catherine is his best friend – of course she's not going to keep stuff from him.

"Have you told him? About us?"

"No, but I thought you had."

"Catherine, not even I'm used to the idea of us yet, and I don't think he's going to take it well, just give it a little more time."

Her face clouds over and she looks sad.

"Maybe you still care a little too much about what he thinks.."

"And so should you. He's your best friend Cath."

"And as my best friend, he should accept the idea that you and me are together."

"He's still in love with me. Feelings don't just go away."

"Have yours?"

"Catherine…"

Her voice is getting louder and louder. I didn't realise she was this insecure. I know Gil's my ex, and I understand that she's a little paranoid, understandably so, but does she really think that I'd split up with him and get together with her if I still had feelings for him? I guess I have to do what's best for her…

"Alright. I'll tell him. By the way, did he say why he was here?"

"He said he had something to ask you…"

She's still mad, but seems a little calmer.

"Go keep him company then. I need to get dressed."

I lean up to give her a kiss but she walks out the room so I pull myself out of bed and try to find some clothes. God, her mood switches from one extreme to the other, but I know what that's like. She's going through a hard time at the moment, so its understandable. I'm just dreading this conversation I have to have with Gil…I've already hurt him enough and now I'm doing to hurt him even more. I walk slowly into the front room and his face lights up.

"Sara…how are you?"

He gets up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I chance a look at Catherine and she's fuming. God…

"Gil, I-"

"Can I take you out for lunch?"

"I need to tell you something."

"Tell me over lunch then."

What am I supposed to say? It might be better to tell him when we're alone anyway, I think he'll take it better.

"Alright then, we can go for lunch."

He smiles and I can't help but smile back. He is my friend after all and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Why don't you go and wait in the car, I need to go, and, um, brush my teeth."

He leaves and I turn to Catherine.

"Look, I know what you're thinking, but I'm going to tell him over lunch, ok?"

"Right."

"Cath, I am, I promise."

"Just go."

* * *

Lunch goes really well, and before I know it, we're wandering along the Strip talking away. He's acting like we used to, before we were together, and it's wonderful. I meant to tell him over lunch, but we were having so much fun that I just didn't get round to it. Shit, what's the time? 

"What time is it?"

He checks his watch.

"4pm, why?"

Catherine is going to kill me, we left at 1. If she thought something was going on then, what is she going to think now?

"I need to get back, I've been out for hours."

"Why?"

"Catherine will be wondering where I am."

"Why are you worried what she thinks?"

"Because…"

He's silent for a moment, then when he looks back at me, I'm shocked by the anger I see in his eyes.

"There is something going on between you two, isn't there?"

"Gil, I…"

"Why did you lie?"

"I was trying to spare your feelings."

"Why her? Out of all the people you could have picked, why did you choose her?"

"Feelings don't work like that Gil, you can't choose who you love."

"You LOVE her?"

"I.."

"Don't bother, it's obvious."

Then he walks away. I'm torn – I know I should go after him, but I also need to get back to Catherine. I have to put her first, she's important, and Gils right, I do love her.

When I get home, the apartment is dark and empty. Where are they? Lindsay should be back by now. I notice a note on the coffee table. Maybe they went out or something.

_Sara._

_You aren't ready for this, and I'm not ready for more pain. _

_It's clear where your heart lies, and it's not with me. _

_I've got all our stuff together, and I've gone back to my place. _

_Thank you for the last week. _

_- Catherine. _

I'm alone again.

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Review if you want more. Otherwise, I'll have no inspiration at all. 


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